Wanted For 2008
by Kerry Thomas

Representative Republic seeks fiscal conservative to lead country for four or eight years. Must be at least 35 years of age, and a natural born citizen.

Adherence to the Constitution is a prerequisite. Prefer some experience in governing, but not required. Applicant should be able to demonstrate excellent communication and leadership skills. Formal education is preferred, but not required.

SALARY: $400,000/year plus benefits, housing and travel. Post employment pension is $200,000/year.

Your responsibilities will be to preserve and protect the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic. You will assume the duties of commander-in-chief of all armed forces. You will be managing more than 1.8 million employees, and a $3 trillion budget. Some travel and public appearances will be required. Your duties will not include being minister of morality, wet nurse to the populace, or arbiter of fairness.

Send many letters of interest to the American voters. Low-cost high-tech methods of effective communication are a must.

Democrats need not apply, as that entry has already been filled by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. They are expected to spend $100 million to try to buy the position. Also, Republicans with long careers in politics, party loyalists who’ve simply put it their time and are now at the top of the pecking order, and RINOs need not apply.

Republicans should present a plan outlining their positions on such topics as the federal budget, taxation, education, employment, health care, terrorism, international affairs, Social Security, and immigration.

Prospective candidates should concentrate on lowering taxes to stimulate economic growth; reducing the size and scope of the federal government; maintaining a strong military capable of defending the nation; sunsetting Social Security for younger citizens while ensuring it remains strong for those who are already in the program; streamlining the legal immigration process and assimilating those who are already here; and educating our citizens about the history and traditions that have made America the shining beacon of light for the oppressed peoples of the world.

Candidates should be champions of liberty and justice for all citizens. Those who seek to use the position to restrict citizens’ liberties or to divide the populace need not apply. Candidates should encourage every citizen to pursue their destiny, with as little interference from their government as possible.

Candidates should not use phrases like “family values,” “working families,” “for the children,” “investment,” “fair share,” “working wage, living wage, fair wage,” “global village,” or “United Nations.”

The interview process has already begun, and preliminary selections will be made starting December 2007. Final selection will be made November 4, 2008, and the winning candidate will assume office on January 20, 2009.

Kerry Thomas is at kerrythomas.com.